Rejoice & Weep

Waiting and patience is a funny thing. We are so scared to pray for patience, but yet we need it so dearly. However, I believe there are miracles in waiting. There are miracles in the patience. Miracles to me may be different than most peoples view, but they are special moments that are granted and gifted to you, and I. During the painful moments you find those that mean the most to you, come closer.You find the quite times with the Lord that much more sweet when you are waiting. Prayers you didn't think weren't a big deal become answered and revealed. God is working in all aspects of life, even when it doesn't feel like it. Now, I will be the first person to admit that waiting stinks. It's not fun, and sometimes you just want to run away and cry. I get it, and it's okay to feel those emotions. Emotions are a good thing, even if you don't think so. (Now, I wouldn't make crucial decisions based on emotions, but they are still important.) It has take...

Dear 2017, You were a hard year. A really hard year. A year where I had to fight, and fight, and fight just to keep my head above the messiest of water. You were a year with diagnoses, and hard classes. You were a year of insecurities, and struggles within my faith. You were a year where I really wanted to give up and say "I quit." However, I didn't. I kept fighting through, and through. 2017 was a year of anxiety, and fear. It was a year of huge let downs, after getting my hopes up so high. Much of this past year was very dark. To be honest, I blame much of that on myself because I could have been more open, but I hid. I ignored it, and it consumed every ounce of my being. During this painful year though, I have realized the amazing relationships of the people I have in my life. How I am so grateful to have friends that are like sisters to me. Other adults that I can go to that love me and care for me. This has shown me perseverance I had no idea was even there, and ...

This is something I do not talk about normally, but I feel that it is something that needs to be talked about. Being diagnosed with something is a wave of emotions that is almost un-explainable. However, I am going to try to tell you how I felt during my times of getting diagnosed with things. The first feeling I have normally felt is just a few moments where I feel like everything is going in slow-motion. Almost as if I don't know if it's actually happening or not. Then I get this stoic like manner, because usually I'm around people, and I don't want them to know what is going on in my head. I brush away any emotion, and become emotionless. On the outside I seem calm, cool, and collected. On the inside I have no idea what is going on. The true feelings don't normally come out until I'm alone. I'm sitting in my bed, and I break. This break doesn't always happen later that day, sometimes it comes a couple days later, and sometimes maybe even a week....

God is good all the time. All the time God is good. I have never felt a peace so explainable than I have the past few weeks. My church emails devotions every morning, and one struck a chord with me, and then later God struck me like thunder on a sunny day. It was on May 11th, and it was talking about being content in God, and not in money. For me I replaced money with other things that I was putting my hope, faith, and trying to put my happiness into. It was ultimately failing. Time, and time again. The passage used in the devotion was 1 Timothy 6 6-10 (I encourage you to look these up!) The passage was talking about finding contentment in the Lord himself, because what does it all really matter here on earth?  Your earthly possessions are going to stay on earth. If we have food, clothing, and of course, the Lord we need to be content. If we start trying to find love, and joy in other worldly things we can fall into temptations, and that is not so good! I have a group ch...

Life is hard, and that's okay. God never promises us a perfect, and happy life. God does promise that he will love us, and take care of us. Lately, it has been so hard for me to feel God's love for me. I have been feeling discouraged, doubtful, and sad. It seems like everything in my life is falling apart. My health is awful, I am having family troubles, I was in a car accident, and have to deal with, I have school stress, and I just want to cry. It's easy to say "Why me?" Or, "Why don't you love me God, and why won't you take away my pain?" I have been praying for the same thing for almost three years, and nothing has really changed, and let me tell you it's hard. Right now, in this season of my life I am struggling with my faith. I am struggling to feel the love God has for me. It's so easy to not trust in him, or to turn away from him. To give up. I have cried out to God to just try and figure out why. This past Sunday, I opened up...

In October 2016 I was diagnosed with a new medical condition. It is called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. Basically it means that my body makes too much spinal fluid, and it can't drain it properly, or fast enough. It mimics many symptoms of a brain tumor, without actually having a brain tumor. (Crazy, right?) To get diagnosed I had to have a spinal tap. Not fun. Well, let me back up. First I had to have an MRI, because with my Neurofibromatosis I had to have an MRI, because I could have actually had a brain tumor. When my doctor saw that everything was stable, she took in all of my symptoms, and ordered the spinal tap. It was definitely one of the scariest tests I've had done. They laid my down on a table, belly down and took an X-ray of my spine. After doing that they marked the spot they would stick the needle into. They numbed me with some sort of numbing agent, and then in went the needle, let me tell you that was painful. After sticking the needle in they had t...

Ah, yes, the whole "New Year New Me" trend is upon us. I have never been one to do resolutions, because I don't think we should be trying to change/grow ourselves one time per year. However, I guess you can say I do have some goals for myself in the new year. These goals are specific to me, and require no timeline. I created a list of goals, because sometimes I am down on myself, because sometimes I feel like I am not going anywhere. I'm also a huge planner. I like to know where I am going, and I like to have control. Although sometimes (OK, most of the time) things do no go completely the way I imagined I still like to have somewhat of a plan for myself. So, I guess here are my goals I have for right now: 1) Lose weight...about 80 pounds if we are getting specific. 2) Advocate for myself more often. 3) Pray more, and go into the bible more often. Basically grow my relationship with Christ. 4) Be more forgiving. I have a hard heart towards some people in my li...

This is not my story, this is God's story. All the glory goes to him. Shortly after I was born, my parents divorced. I can't really say it shattered my world, because I was only a baby- I didn't know any different. I still don't. Someday's I feel like maybe it was my fault, or I was suppose to save the marriage, but didn't. That a lot to put on your shoulders at a young age. To this day I don't know why they got a divorce, and I think I'm okay with that. Soon after they got divorced I was diagnosed with a disease called Neurofibromatosis. (I'll just refer to it as NF). In short, this is a disease that causes tumors to grow on the nerves of the body. The doctors ha run tests, and they found an optic glioma (optic nerve tumor). I went through 18 long months of chemotherapy. I do not remember much of it, and I'm grateful for that. The effects of it didn't really stop there, the tumor left me blind in my right eye, and because I went through c...

Sip, sip, sip Gulp, gulp, gulp Why do people drink you? They lose control. You hurt families. You destroy lives. You kill. But yet you are so glorified. I do not understand what it is. I want to understand why people do it. Why do people sip, sip, and then drive. I get they try to hide their demons, but they just create more. You are the enemy. You hurt me. You pained me. I wish people would not buy you. I wish people would understand the pain you cause. I will never forgive you for what you did. I will never forget what you did. Sip, sip, sip Gulp, gulp, gulp

I know I don't blog very often. I know. For awhile I've been trying to figure why, or why I haven't posted a YouTube channel video in over month. Is it because I'm uninspired? Maybe. Is it because I'm too busy? Quite possibly. Or, is it because I feel like i have to conform into societies expectations set for me and my channel/blog? For sure. I feel like a lot of us are scared to veer off of what is normal, or what is expected of us. I think a lot of the time we are just placed into the mold, and like a liquid we take shape of our container, and we aren't going anywhere. But, you, or I should not have to worry about this. Nor should we have to do what is the norm or expected. We were given free will by God, and along as those things don't surpass or values, or morals then who the heck cares what we do? Next time you want to do something that you don't think it would be expected, don't worry about it. If it makes you happy the DO IT. Remem...

Sometimes in life we feel inadequate like we don't quite meet the mark, but in reality we are made perfect by God the one who,loves us the most. Even if you don't believe in God, or a superpower being you can still take this message for what it's worth and apply it to your own life. It can be really hard to not feel good enough or worthy enough to achieve something you desperately want. It's even harder when people are tearing you down, and saying those things. Let me tell you something about me, all my life I have felt like I wasn't good enough for anything. I felt worthless, and most of the time I think I wont achieve anything. That's really hard to put on yourself, but for me, those words weren't just coming from me, they were coming from a lot of people around me. For awhile I listened to them, and it tore me apart each and every single day, until I said enough is enough and I let those things motivate and push me even harder. Don't get me w...

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep" Romans 12:15 This verse is one of my favorite verses of the bible, because it is so true in our everyday lives. I feel in this society we always compare our lives to others. We always push them down when they are happy, or tell them you have it worse when they are going through a storm. What we should be doing is when someone is happy-celebrate them, and with them. If someone is in a time of sadness, we need to be there for them and empathize. We need to stop focusing on us so much, and realize there are other people in this world that go through highs and lows too. This isn't to say that your highs and lows don't matter, but it shouldn't separate people. These times should bring us closer as people as a society. I get so sad for those who think they are in this all by them selves, and that their feelings are diminished, or put down. I've had times where I was going through a rough time,...

Love is such an interesting thing to me. Everyone describes it in different ways, and everyone looks at love in a different way. The internet defines love as "an intense feeling of deep affection". But, is that always the case? I think love is an individual feeling. It can be an attraction, a force, a deep care, a general feeling. How do we differentiate between liking something, and loving something? Do we just know? Or is it something more. Love is a funny thing. Do we really have to love our self, before we love others? I don't think so. People experience love in many different ways. For some it's time, for some its words, others it's gifts, and some just want a warm embrace. I do not think there can be just one definition for love. I think we have to experience it for our self, and then figure it out. We have to experience the flutters in our heart, the heart break when in it ends. The excitemen...

Everyone always asks me why I want to be a teacher. They don't get paid very much, and are treated like crap most of the time. For me, it's not about the money, or the way kids treat me, it's all about the impact I could make on future leaders, doctors, or other future teachers. For me, I could care less about money, it's all about the connection I can make, and the lessons I can teach. I want to be a teacher, so that I can be that person that pushes someone, and believes in them. I want to show them someone does care, and someone is rooting for them. I know I can be a good teacher. While I have been in high school, teachers have made some of the biggest impacts on me, and I'm forever grateful. They have pushed me, believed in me,and have shown me some of the deepest care, and I want to be like with my future students. I'm not made for sitting at a desk all day, wasting my life away while everyone else is out changing lives. It's not bad if you sit at a des...

Senior year. Also known as the year of many lasts. The last football game, school dance, sport practice, last meeting for a club you've grown to love, last passing time, and last time your friends are all together (maybe). Senior year is full of bittersweet moments. So many new adventures, and so many of adventures coming to the end. I've always known that my time is almost up, but I don't think I truly understood until Friday night. The Student Council lock-in, seniors gave advice and shared stories, tears were shed, and hugs were given. I never realized how many people have changed my life throughout my high school career. I only have a few months left, and that is so crazy to me. I have spent 4 years within those walls, and within a matter of a couple months it will all be over. It is such a odd feeling, and indescribable feeling. I'm sad, excited, scared, and so many feelings are within me. When they say Senior year goes by fast, they are not lying. Even just high ...

Sometimes when I wake up, I wake up in a very dark place; and lately that has been happening basically everyday. When bad things happen they seem to hit me one after another, after another, after another. I've got to tell you, You get kind of sick of it after awhile, and eventually you almost feel numb. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to at least pretend to be happy, but I can't even do that. I don't want to seem like an attention seeker, but I literally have nothing left of me left. The only thing that I am holding on to is God, and the people I have in my life. I have little motivation to do anything...even my school work. Which if you knew me, you would know that is completely and utterly un like me. I have no idea where these feelings are coming from. I mean I have my guesses, but you know? I'm stressed out with school, I'm giving it my all, but my scores aren't showing that. There is a bunch going on with me medically, and there is only so much I c...

First of all, the things being said in this blog are very sensitive, and may be triggering to some. Please proceed with caution, and if you cannot emotionally handle reading this, please click out, I will completely understand, and I hope you have a beautiful day. It is currently 9:47 at night, and I felt lead to write this. Maybe it may help me, or even someone else. Either way...I’m good. They say it take 7 years for every cell in your body to be replaced. I cannot wait until I reach the 7 year mark. I don’t want to give what happened to me a title, because I have no idea what to classify it as. I’m also not going to share when this happened. I do not really want to share that, so that this does not have negative reactions, Basically I had a male my age touch me, grab me in inappropriate spots, say sexual things to me, and eventually stuck a pencil down my jeans. This male did not have my permission to do these things. He just did them. It went on for a few months, a...

Sometimes as I sit, I wonder about my future husband. What is he doing? Does he wonder about me? Does he pray for me? I pray for my husband. I pray that he has a deep love for God. I pray that we will be equally yoked. I pray that he will love me, and he will be willing to battle any storm that may come our way. I pray that he is understanding, patient, and kind. I pray that his love is endless. I pray that he pushes me towards God, and does not pulls me away. As I look at society, and their relationship goals, I can’t help but get sad. Do they get into relationship for fun, or are they actually wanting to commit. I do not want to date without the intention to marry. I can’t imagine to invest my time, my love, and my heart just for the sake of being in a relationship. Someone once told me every time you are in a relationship, you give a piece of your heart away. When it comes to my husband I want to be able to give my whole heart to him. I don’t want pieces all over the place. I kn...

You walk in and seem to still have your whole life ahead of you. Eyes and hearts filled with wonder as to what the next four years will bring. Excited to start a new chapter in life, and maybe start a whole new life. Throughout high school you are learning, memorizing, studying until your eyes are glued to the pages, you are trying to balance clubs, grades, social life, and your sanity. We learn so much about the world throughout these four short years. Sometimes it’s amazing, and sometimes, well, it’s a slap in the face. We are expected to manage all these things, while being pressured to do well on tests, and decide about the future. But--how can we decide our whole life, throughout all of these things through high school we seemed to forget one thing. We hardly ever study ourselves. Who are we? What do we care about? What do we want to do? We cry at night, put on a face at day. We push ourselves beyond our limits, we are expected of so much. I have a question. How can...