Rejoice & Weep

Sometimes when I wake up, I wake up in a very dark place; and lately that has been happening basically everyday. When bad things happen they seem to hit me one after another, after another, after another. I've got to tell you, You get kind of sick of it after awhile, and eventually you almost feel numb. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to at least pretend to be happy, but I can't even do that. I don't want to seem like an attention seeker, but I literally have nothing left of me left. The only thing that I am holding on to is God, and the people I have in my life. I have little motivation to do anything...even my school work. Which if you knew me, you would know that is completely and utterly un like me. I have no idea where these feelings are coming from. I mean I have my guesses, but you know? I'm stressed out with school, I'm giving it my all, but my scores aren't showing that. There is a bunch going on with me medically, and there is only so much I c

First of all, the things being said in this blog are very sensitive, and may be triggering to some. Please proceed with caution, and if you cannot emotionally handle reading this, please click out, I will completely understand, and I hope you have a beautiful day. It is currently 9:47 at night, and I felt lead to write this. Maybe it may help me, or even someone else. Either way...I’m good. They say it take 7 years for every cell in your body to be replaced. I cannot wait until I reach the 7 year mark. I don’t want to give what happened to me a title, because I have no idea what to classify it as. I’m also not going to share when this happened. I do not really want to share that, so that this does not have negative reactions, Basically I had a male my age touch me, grab me in inappropriate spots, say sexual things to me, and eventually stuck a pencil down my jeans. This male did not have my permission to do these things. He just did them. It went on for a few months, a

Sometimes as I sit, I wonder about my future husband. What is he doing? Does he wonder about me? Does he pray for me? I pray for my husband. I pray that he has a deep love for God. I pray that we will be equally yoked. I pray that he will love me, and he will be willing to battle any storm that may come our way. I pray that he is understanding, patient, and kind. I pray that his love is endless. I pray that he pushes me towards God, and does not pulls me away. As I look at society, and their relationship goals, I can’t help but get sad. Do they get into relationship for fun, or are they actually wanting to commit. I do not want to date without the intention to marry. I can’t imagine to invest my time, my love, and my heart just for the sake of being in a relationship. Someone once told me every time you are in a relationship, you give a piece of your heart away. When it comes to my husband I want to be able to give my whole heart to him. I don’t want pieces all over the place. I kn

You walk in and seem to still have your whole life ahead of you. Eyes and hearts filled with wonder as to what the next four years will bring. Excited to start a new chapter in life, and maybe start a whole new life. Throughout high school you are learning, memorizing, studying until your eyes are glued to the pages, you are trying to balance clubs, grades, social life, and your sanity. We learn so much about the world throughout these four short years. Sometimes it’s amazing, and sometimes, well, it’s a slap in the face. We are expected to manage all these things, while being pressured to do well on tests, and decide about the future. But--how can we decide our whole life, throughout all of these things through high school we seemed to forget one thing. We hardly ever study ourselves. Who are we? What do we care about? What do we want to do? We cry at night, put on a face at day. We push ourselves beyond our limits, we are expected of so much. I have a question. How can