Rejoice & Weep

Dear 2017, You were a hard year. A really hard year. A year where I had to fight, and fight, and fight just to keep my head above the messiest of water. You were a year with diagnoses, and hard classes. You were a year of insecurities, and struggles within my faith. You were a year where I really wanted to give up and say "I quit." However, I didn't. I kept fighting through, and through. 2017 was a year of anxiety, and fear. It was a year of huge let downs, after getting my hopes up so high. Much of this past year was very dark. To be honest, I blame much of that on myself because I could have been more open, but I hid. I ignored it, and it consumed every ounce of my being. During this painful year though, I have realized the amazing relationships of the people I have in my life. How I am so grateful to have friends that are like sisters to me. Other adults that I can go to that love me and care for me. This has shown me perseverance I had no idea was even there, and

This is something I do not talk about normally, but I feel that it is something that needs to be talked about. Being diagnosed with something is a wave of emotions that is almost un-explainable. However, I am going to try to tell you how I felt during my times of getting diagnosed with things. The first feeling I have normally felt is just a few moments where I feel like everything is going in slow-motion. Almost as if I don't know if it's actually happening or not. Then I get this stoic like manner, because usually I'm around people, and I don't want them to know what is going on in my head. I brush away any emotion, and become emotionless. On the outside I seem calm, cool, and collected. On the inside I have no idea what is going on. The true feelings don't normally come out until I'm alone. I'm sitting in my bed, and I break. This break doesn't always happen later that day, sometimes it comes a couple days later, and sometimes maybe even a week.

God is good all the time. All the time God is good. I have never felt a peace so explainable than I have the past few weeks. My church emails devotions every morning, and one struck a chord with me, and then later God struck me like thunder on a sunny day. It was on May 11th, and it was talking about being content in God, and not in money. For me I replaced money with other things that I was putting my hope, faith, and trying to put my happiness into. It was ultimately failing. Time, and time again. The passage used in the devotion was 1 Timothy 6 6-10 (I encourage you to look these up!) The passage was talking about finding contentment in the Lord himself, because what does it all really matter here on earth?  Your earthly possessions are going to stay on earth. If we have food, clothing, and of course, the Lord we need to be content. If we start trying to find love, and joy in other worldly things we can fall into temptations, and that is not so good! I have a group chat w

Life is hard, and that's okay. God never promises us a perfect, and happy life. God does promise that he will love us, and take care of us. Lately, it has been so hard for me to feel God's love for me. I have been feeling discouraged, doubtful, and sad. It seems like everything in my life is falling apart. My health is awful, I am having family troubles, I was in a car accident, and have to deal with, I have school stress, and I just want to cry. It's easy to say "Why me?" Or, "Why don't you love me God, and why won't you take away my pain?" I have been praying for the same thing for almost three years, and nothing has really changed, and let me tell you it's hard. Right now, in this season of my life I am struggling with my faith. I am struggling to feel the love God has for me. It's so easy to not trust in him, or to turn away from him. To give up. I have cried out to God to just try and figure out why. This past Sunday, I opened up

In October 2016 I was diagnosed with a new medical condition. It is called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. Basically it means that my body makes too much spinal fluid, and it can't drain it properly, or fast enough. It mimics many symptoms of a brain tumor, without actually having a brain tumor. (Crazy, right?) To get diagnosed I had to have a spinal tap. Not fun. Well, let me back up. First I had to have an MRI, because with my Neurofibromatosis I had to have an MRI, because I could have actually had a brain tumor. When my doctor saw that everything was stable, she took in all of my symptoms, and ordered the spinal tap. It was definitely one of the scariest tests I've had done. They laid my down on a table, belly down and took an X-ray of my spine. After doing that they marked the spot they would stick the needle into. They numbed me with some sort of numbing agent, and then in went the needle, let me tell you that was painful. After sticking the needle in they had t

Ah, yes, the whole "New Year New Me" trend is upon us. I have never been one to do resolutions, because I don't think we should be trying to change/grow ourselves one time per year. However, I guess you can say I do have some goals for myself in the new year. These goals are specific to me, and require no timeline. I created a list of goals, because sometimes I am down on myself, because sometimes I feel like I am not going anywhere. I'm also a huge planner. I like to know where I am going, and I like to have control. Although sometimes (OK, most of the time) things do no go completely the way I imagined I still like to have somewhat of a plan for myself. So, I guess here are my goals I have for right now: 1) Lose weight...about 80 pounds if we are getting specific. 2) Advocate for myself more often. 3) Pray more, and go into the bible more often. Basically grow my relationship with Christ. 4) Be more forgiving. I have a hard heart towards some people in my li