Rejoice & Weep

Dear 2017, You were a hard year. A really hard year. A year where I had to fight, and fight, and fight just to keep my head above the messiest of water. You were a year with diagnoses, and hard classes. You were a year of insecurities, and struggles within my faith. You were a year where I really wanted to give up and say "I quit." However, I didn't. I kept fighting through, and through. 2017 was a year of anxiety, and fear. It was a year of huge let downs, after getting my hopes up so high. Much of this past year was very dark. To be honest, I blame much of that on myself because I could have been more open, but I hid. I ignored it, and it consumed every ounce of my being. During this painful year though, I have realized the amazing relationships of the people I have in my life. How I am so grateful to have friends that are like sisters to me. Other adults that I can go to that love me and care for me. This has shown me perseverance I had no idea was even there, and ...

This is something I do not talk about normally, but I feel that it is something that needs to be talked about. Being diagnosed with something is a wave of emotions that is almost un-explainable. However, I am going to try to tell you how I felt during my times of getting diagnosed with things. The first feeling I have normally felt is just a few moments where I feel like everything is going in slow-motion. Almost as if I don't know if it's actually happening or not. Then I get this stoic like manner, because usually I'm around people, and I don't want them to know what is going on in my head. I brush away any emotion, and become emotionless. On the outside I seem calm, cool, and collected. On the inside I have no idea what is going on. The true feelings don't normally come out until I'm alone. I'm sitting in my bed, and I break. This break doesn't always happen later that day, sometimes it comes a couple days later, and sometimes maybe even a week....